It was a cold afternoon, quarter past five, when the clouds came in from the east. The warm colours of the withering oak tree faded grey, and the breathless air was a sign of an emerging storm. The fall came quickly this year and the summer flourish was forgotten overnight.
The bell rings and the fluttering of wings follows. Free as a bird, Dick thought. He tries to stand up straight but the sharp sting in his stomach keeps him down. Drops on his upper lip, sticking strings of hair, breathing shallowly. The bell rings once more, the doors open, and the first kids come out. He slowly awakens, pulled from a feverish delirium that is with him since morning. He looks up. They run from the steps and through the gate. Dick can barely peak through the shoulders of the crowd. He scans for white blobs of hair and his eyes stop to glimpse for recognition each time he finds one, but he can’t find her. The children flow out and scatter to their parents, leaving the premise together in a chaotic harmony. Soon Dick is alone. He slowly walks to the gate and grabs hold of the bars, eyes fixed on the shade of the entrance.
Where is she!? a voice screams in his head.
His fingers grow white from his firm grip, and he starts licking his lips, biting.
Jane!
A sudden gust of wind electrifies the oak’s leaves.
Where the fuck is she!?
Little Nell steps from the shadows into the fading light. She stands still at the top of the stairs and looks out, sees Dick and stares at him. Flocks of her blond hair blow over her face as she walks down the steps and towards the gate, with her backpack slowing her down.
‘Hi Dad,’ she said.
‘Where were you?’ he said. The tension in his body melted away.
‘Dad is waiting for you here, you know that right?’
‘But I was talking to Miss Hunsworth!’ she said.
‘Come,’ he said, gesturing illy.
Nell looks down as she approaches him. Meanwhile a broad figure steps out behind her. It moved lightly but with bad posture, having a sharp face, unimpressed.
‘Mr. Smith, can we speak for a moment?’ Miss Hunsworth said.
‘Sorry I can’t, I have to go,’ he said.
‘But this concerns your daughter, she told me…’
He turned his bent back and took little Nell by the shoulder.
‘Come, let’s go,’ he said assuringly to Nell, and they start walking towards the parking lot.
‘Richard!…’ she said, her voice faded into the uprising wind.
Dick quickly closes the car door. He didn’t want to talk to her, to anyone, and especially not her. Not today. What he wanted was to lock the front door, sit down, have a beer and think. He thought of crayons on the floor in the living room, answering Nell’s questions, her favourite stories, a peaceful smoke. Hell, let it rain. Then I will tell her, he thought. Tell her that she will never see her mother again. He nearly fainted by the thought of her cryings and he shook away this numbness, this powerlessness, focussing on the steering wheel, holding tight. He would make it. They would make it. He fastens Nell’s seat belt from the driver’s seat, turns the key and pulls for reverse gear. He looks in the rear mirror. Just Miss Hunsworth.
Her dark red hair blowing sideways, standing helplessly with her words unpronounced, hearing the squeaking tires getting away from her. Desperate for an ear, for human touch, for eyes that see her. To experience meaning, deep truths, real connection. With a deep breath she let’s go, and returns inside, hopeful of the future.
She doesn’t understand.
The Realm of Indifference 